EXCLUSIVE: Trump-Albanese Phone Transcript

Kevin Rudd's beard, the UFC, freedom, drag queen parties at taxpayers' expense... nothing was off the table during this historic trans-Pacific phone conversation.

Albanese: Hello Mishda Preshident Trump, it’s Albo here.

Trump: Aldo?

Albanese: Anthony Albanese, the Prime Minishter of Aushtralia.

Trump: Oh yes, Anthony. How is it in Australia today? Such a wonderful country. One of the best. But it’s had a very bad socialist government for a while now. Very bad. They’ve done some very dumb things. Is that your government, Anthony?

Albanese: Absholutely not, Mishda Preshident. You’re probably thinking of my predesheshor, Shcott Morrishon.

Trump: Oh, you mean Scomo? I had him over at Mar-a-Lago for new year’s eve. Strange man, but friendly enough. I like him. I think I could do deals with him. Not like that Kevin Rudd. What’s up with that guy? I can’t believe how disrespectful he is. Did you know he once called me the most destructive president in history?

Albanese: Er, did he? Maybe he was jush joking around, Mishda Preshident. We Aushtralians don’t like to take ourshelves too sherioushly.

Trump: Don’t you? Well that’s interesting, because Elon showed me a video this morning of you saying I scare the shit out of you, Aldo. Is this true? Do I scare the shit out of you?

Albanese: Um, well, no, not at all, Mishda Preshident.

Trump: I don’t? Well, maybe I’m doing something wrong! Are the steel tariffs not high enough? You think I should bump them up to 30 per cent? Or how about 47 per cent? That would be very special. I love the number 47. Such a beautiful number. One of the best.

Albanese: Um, no. In fact, that’s what I’m calling you about.

Trump: It says here in my notes that I should ask you to sack that Rudd guy as your ambassador. He’s very bad. Probably the worst. And believe me, I’ve met some very bad ambassadors. But he’s the worst. Do you know why?

Albanese: No, why?

Trump: He reminds me of Hillary Clinton.

Albanese: Does he? Is that a bad thing?

Trump: Yes, it’s very bad. Because she should be in jail. So should he for the things he’s said about me as President of the United States. But I’m too busy winning to be that vindictive. Do you know what I mean, Aldo? Isn’t winning just the most wonderful thing?

Albanese: Um, I’m not sure, Mishda President.

Trump: Besides, I would not like to send that Rudd guy to jail because he would not last ten seconds. And that’s being generous. Some of the people in jail these days are very bad people. Not all of them. Some of them are very good people but the bad people are very bad. And they would not like Kevin Rudd, believe me. And they would do some very bad things to him. But you can tell him it’s okay. I won’t send him to jail, even though I should because anybody who reminds me of Hillary should be in jail. Did I tell you why he reminds me of Hillary?

Albanese: No.

Trump: It’s his beard. If Hillary had a beard, it would look like Kevin’s. There’s something very feminine about that beard. Is it true that he spent $90,000 flying a drag queen to the United States for a party?

Albanese: I don’t think Kitty Glitter cosht $90,000. I think that was the total cosht of the party.

Trump: Wow, that’s a lot of money for a party! Maybe a little too much money. Did taxpayers pay for that? Would you like me to ask Elon to look into it for you?

Albanese: Aaaarrrgghh! No! Ahem. I mean, that’s very generous of you, Mishda Preshident. But we are… look, I need to talk to you about these tariffs.

Trump: Which ones? There’s so many of them now, Aldo, I lose track of them.

Albanese: Steel and aluminium.

Trump: Is that all this call is about? Just the tariffs? You didn’t want to talk about the Super Bowl or the UFC in Sydney? Did you go to that, Aldo? DDP by unanimous decision over Strickland. I wasn’t expecting that.

Albanese: Er, no I didn’t go the UCF, Mishda Preshident. I’m very bishy trying to short thish tariff problem out.

Trump: Well, you don’t need to worry about it, Aldo.

Albanese: I don’t?

Trump: Of course not!

Albanese: So you will exempt Australia from the tariffs? That’s fantashtic, Mishda Preshident. Oh, wait till I tell the AB-She about this!

Trump: Whoa, wait a minute. I didn’t say I would exempt Australia. Even though I love Australia. Such a beautiful country. One of the best. And so free! Australians love freedom, don’t they Aldo?

Albanese: Yes, they do, Mishda Preshident.

Trump: It says so in your national anthem, Aldo, “one and free”. I wish Francis Scott Key had thought of that. But we’ve got “home of the brave, and the land of the free” instead, which I think is better. Anyway, as I was saying, you don’t have to worry about the tariffs, even though I might still impose them on Australia.

Albanese: Um, I don’t understand, Mishda Preshident.

Trump: Well, Aldo, as every man and his loyal best friend knows, you are not going to be Prime Minister for much longer. Not much longer at all. So I’m just going to wait till the next guy comes in. What’s his name? Peter Dutton? He looks like a straight-up guy. One of the straightest. I’m sure we will agree on a deal. Anyway, it’s been nice talking to you, Aldo.

Albanese: Er, yesh. It hash. God bless you, Mishda Preshident. Mutters under his breath: Where did that come from?

Trump: God bless you too, Aldo. Because you’re going to need it. You’re going to need it a lot. Talking away from the phone: Hey Elon! You were right! I do scare the shit out of him!
Hangs up.